Loneliness has dogged me a good portion of my life. How is that possible when I grew up with seven siblings in a three-bedroom, one-bath house? We lived catty-corner from a family of 13, and there was always someone my age to play with. Plus, my high school graduation class was one of the largest ones at 38 people with the town’s population of around 900. You’d think we were all pretty close-knit. But that was not my experience. I felt lonely.
Loneliness is more than an emotion or a feeling. It is a state of being — the state of being alone internally and a perception of being alone externally. It’s being isolated and disconnected from others. Loneliness is being locked in a prison of self and finding no escape. It’s feeling misunderstood, rejected, and not attractive in any way. It’s not knowing yourself, let alone letting yourself be known.
Loneliness has been on the scene since the fall of Mankind, and it is common to us all to one degree or another. On our own, we are separated from God and often separated from one another. But since we were created for relationship, it is essential that we deal with our loneliness for fulfillment in life. But how? I believe there are five ways, but only one leads to life.
Five Ways to Deal with Loneliness
- Deny it
- Fight it
- Resign and withdraw
- Demand
- Embrace
We can deny we are lonely. Telling someone, “I am lonely,” is one of the hardest things to say. Why is that? It puts us in a vulnerable place admitting that we feel deficient in our ability to make relationships happen. Or we may think we are so subhuman that no one finds us attractive enough for friendship. So we deny that we are lonely.
We can fight it. This is basically saying, “I don’t need you. I can live just fine on my own. I am independent of others.”
We can resign to it and withdraw from others, a common way to deal with the state of loneliness. Because loneliness can be so painful, we think that by isolating ourselves from others, we can protect ourselves from further pain.
We can try to demand that others meet our need for friendship and intimacy. We push our own agenda by implying, “You need to meet my needs!” If we don’t get what we want, relationships are often broken. And if we do get what we want, it can lead to unhealthy dependence upon other people.
Lastly, we can embrace loneliness. Why would we want to do that when it feels like the opposite of what we want? Because loneliness is actually the key to intimacy with God. The same key that locks us into a prison of self is the very key, when put in the hands of God, that becomes the means of opening another door.
To be continued…
~ Janet Mueller, writer
~ Cathy Schrock, creator of “As I Am,” mixed media artist
